WHAT'S YOUR DEAL BREAKER?

 I don't share posts from this blog anymore. I doubt real people visit here but robots. Lol. (I know some humans do. I get blog statistics).

My birthday is next week, 22nd January. As I reflect on my life. I realise that I have three deal breakers. I have always known them, but now, I fully accept them.

1) LIES: 

Be it in a friendship or a relationship, I can't stand lies. Personally, I do not tell lies. If I ever lie, it eats me out that I tell the person immediately, this is it. I do not lie. I think that's part why I never share my thoughts. Like, if I told you the whole truth about what happened between person A and me, you would call me a liar. People don't believe it when I tell them things, so, I keep to myself. 

I hate lies, I hate being called a liar and above all, I hate liars.

Discovering a lie from a friend or boyfriend, is like the thing that unraveled the ball of wool. Everything you ever said to me, did, I begin to analyze the past then the future things you say. My trust for you disappears. Be it what people call a white lie. A lie is still a lie to me. I would even ask the person about it, hoping they'd admit it was a lie, but they never do.

I think it's a gift and a curse. Once, a person lies to me, I know. It rings in my head, spirit, that was a lie. I have always had that knowing since I was a kid. I'd even downplay it "Frances, don't start again." "Frances, don't be judgmental." "Frances, no one is perfect. they love you, they must have had a reason for this lie." 

I make up excuses for the person, and I keep making excuses when I sense another lie. Years or months later, they hurt me in a way that takes a while to heal from. Then, I tell myself. "I should have..."

I tried in the past to make excuses for lies, liars, etc. I don't anymore.

I don't feel safe around lies. It hounds me, haunts me. I might not say anything to the person, but I am thinking about it, all the past things they've said, present things etc. I count them all lies.

Liars have turned out to be manipulators, users, cheats, thieves, etc. in my experience.

These days, I die inside when I discover a potential friend in a lie. I give them a chance, another lie, I withdraw immediately. I am helpful, loving and nice to them but I stop sharing, I pull back from the way I was initially in the friendship.

Lies of omission, fall in here. I don't believe in white lies. A lie, is a lie, no matter how little people think it is.

Liars don't make me feel safe. I need to feel safe in friendships, and in love. I don't need to be friends with ten million people. 

I am very honest to a fault. Honest not stupid, not insulting, but I won't lie to you. 

I will never do, what I would not like done to me. 

I hate lies with a passion. I can't describe how lies worry me and how much I hate them.

A liar is a thief, a liar is a cheat, a liar can kill you, a liar never keeps his/her words, a liar cannot love you, a liar does not love, but uses etc.

If I ever do tell you something, know I was truthful, no matter how incredulous you thought it, I spoke the truth to you. 

A lie and liars , steal my peace. I need peace. I need my mind to feel safe, not pondering over your words and my safety.

I don't make excuses for liars anymore. There is no justification for a lie. If I hold myself accountable, not to lie to you or myself, I hold you accountable too.

In the past, people would tell me; "come on, it's a little lie." "Everyone lies." etc. etc. belittling how i felt about it.

That's the thing, I only say what I mean. Why can't you say what you mean? Why twist things. I like honesty, and knowing where I stand. I am not a mind reader. If you don't like me, don't say you love me. If you want me to stop talking to you, don't keep quiet and expect me to read signs, say what you mean.

Since, I can't force the whole world to be truthful, my inner circle gats to be truthful people that don't tell lies. I can't control the whole world but what, and who I let into my life, and around me. I don't have the strength to speculate, and ponder if you meant what you just said etc. 

I have grown to know and accept myself, and the things I love, and expect from people close to me.

Lies and liars, I'm out. Je deteste!

2) ABUSE: 

I did a whole series on abuse on YouTube. when people hear abuse, they think of physical abuse. 

I do not want any type of abuse. As a person, people have always told me,  "you're too deep." "You take things too serious." and so on.

I have come to realise, words are my kryptonite. I have a long memory, (another blessing and a curse). I don't forget things; be it twenty years ago, best believe I remember every word, and emotion I felt then. If I recount something that happened in the past, I start feeling how I felt then. I get transported.

Verbal abuse, people who use words to bring others down, compare others etc. 

I hate abuse. Emotional abuse too. 

It was my badluck in the past to meet guys who always verbally abused me.

"Other girls are better than you." You are too principled, stubborn, that's why I chose her." "She is kind, nice, easy going, things you are not." "Something is wrong with you. Just look at what you typed or sent, see why I want out." 

"Your thighs are too fat. Wonder why Nigerian girls can't be like white girls that have slim thighs." (This particular scenario was funny. I used to be a size fourteen thanks to my hips and loads of baby fat but I dropped to a size six after I made up my mind via rigorous workouts and healthy eating. This Nigerian dude that had never smelt Seme border (Benin Republic) at that time,  started seeing me when I was a size 6. Lol. He knew I had the typical African woman body, slim waist, big hips which means thighs too. I was feeling good about my weight loss. The dude had met me when I was a size fourteen, , years prior. 

This was at a time I thought making out was okay, since I don't have penetrative sex with anyone. So, we were making out when he dropped that line. I pulled away. You saw me before you approached me. Even at my size six, you knew I was no Paris Hilton. I stopped seeing him after that day.)

I have heard things over the years. They try to justify why they cheated on you. To justify why they don't act right towards you.

They try to use words to make me feel like, something was wrong with me, I wasn't good enough. It was my fault they cheated or they broke up with me or something to knock my spirit down a peg or two.

I vent in return, because I know it's bullcrap. 

It turns me into someone, I would rather not be, an angry black woman. 

So, you see, words, emotions. I run from all form of abuse.

Even friends who try to belittle you when you tell them something they did wrong to you.

"You are the first person to ever tell me that is wrong. People are okay with it." 

"This little thing made you feel like that. You are weird"

I pull back immediately. when people belittle your emotions, belittle you. When people don't respect my feelings, etc. I pull back these days.

I don't go maybe, I'm overreacting. Maybe, they are right, I should relax a little.

I sense any abuse, I am out. When i got into the university. I never understood how people would call themselves friends, and call each other derogatory names with a smile on their faces, and say they're playing with each other.

Please don't call me derogatory names as play. I speak to myself  90% of the day, I will remember your words. It won't come as play then.

Same way, I remember words of encouragement, someone said to me as a child. I don't forget.

Abuse in any form, is disrespect. I skedaddle. I don't understand when people say, men like to be respected. I love to be respected and I'm not a man. Ahu m...( let me say it in English, it's originally Igbo.) My body hates disrespect.

I respect everyone, their feelings, self, even if they are babies. 

Abuse, is deal breaker number two. My deal breakers aren't in any order of preference. They are stand alones.

The next and final on my list of deal breakers is.

3) CHEATING:

I hate cheats. Men who can't keep it in their pants. Even women who can't control themselves, irritate me.

They get into a relationship or marriage with you, they promise to be faithful, to respect your wishes but alas, they cheat.

In the past, people made it my fault. And I would be like, when you chased after me, professing love, I told you, no sex till marriage, and you promised it was me you wanted, and you were fine with it. why blame me for your irresponsibility. It pissed me off.

They beg for a second chance, I forgive but I realise, it's gone. My attraction towards the cheater is gone or reduced. 

One time, kissing my first boyfriend who'd cheated, I almost puked in his mouth. I kept thinking "eeeeugh, he kissed her with the same lips, that means I'm kissing her too. Did he go down on her?!! Am I tasting her vag..."

I tried my best to make that relationship work even when he started misbehaving because I did love him, and I felt bad because I never told him what was in my head. I felt really bad I wasn't attracted to him anymore, so I gave it my all.

It happened with the second and on.

I have come to accept me. Same way, people say when you cheat on a guy, the marriage ends, it's same for me.

I don't know how some women stay in marriages with cheats, and keep having babies for them, and looking at their faces and pretending all is well. I can't pretend, and it turns me into a nag, someone venting nonstop especially when he never accepts responsibility for it. Remember, I have a long memory?

When I discover he cheated, I lose it. the attraction dies, I start analyzing the lies in all the I love yous he ever said, I become pissed, then mad. The sight of him repulses me at the same time attracts me because of the past, but in the present I am repulsed. I start feeling bad, that I can't hold up my end of the love. I turn from Dr. Jekyll to Hyde. 

It's like you having a pacifier that is yours alone, someone takes it and puts it in other people's mouths, would you still want that pacifier, and happily put it in your mouth no matter how much it is washed?

Or you have a favourite pair of panties, and someone takes it, and throws it into a public pit toilet. Would you want to take out the undies, wash it and keep wearing it?

Or would you want a human being with no self control that belongs to everyone? A public property that opens every door and the whole world has had a piece of while they are with you?

There's nothing special about it anymore. It is not mine. Why would I want to share what is mine?

I hate sharing what is meant to be mine alone. 

So, I have come to accept, I hate cheating. Cheating kills, and reduces my attraction, turns me into a monitoring spirit who starts weighing and checking everything he said and wondering is he with another woman now? Is he cheating again? Then I feel bad, because I am supposed to have forgiven and forgotten, but I can't forget.

Cheating is the highest form of disrespect. I have seen it make women wonder why? 

I know it's because the guy is selfish and never truly loved me but I have seen what it does to women around me. 

The cheating boyfriends turn me into an angry black woman because I truly loved and you did not. How can you love and respect me and cheat on me? I vent! I analyze everything they said etc. I type and send epistles as I think and think and berate myself for ever giving them a chance then another in some cases.

A person who cheats once, will cheat on you again, in my experience.

There is nothing as repulsive to me as a man without self control and integrity. Keep to your words. you are a higher animal, control your body.

One, even blamed the cheating on the girl he cheated on me with, and I was stupefied. I have an above average I.Q and you expect me to believe, you were walking fully clothed and a girl fell on your naked penis and automatically, you had sex? That's what his reason sounded like. How is you cheating on me, her fault?

Sex, even if it happens the day you met the person doesn't happen in thirty seconds. You want it, you think about it, you make a move. You have a choice! That's what makes us higher animals. You can excuse yourself from the situation, shut her down etc. But you chose to be selfish and act like an animal without any sense of self control to satisfy yourself.

It's one of my major prayer points to God, because I have ended relationships because of cheating. I do not want a divorce, so God, give me your best and choice for me because I do not want a divorce. 

I would rather be alone than be in a relationship with a man that can't respect himself, his body and me.

I don't get how people let all sorts of people have access to their body. I never understood it then, I don't now that I am trying to walk with God.

I believe, God understood the trauma that adulterous partners can cause which is why he gave adultery as grounds for divorce.

I will never get divorced. My husband will love me like Christ loved the church and he will be ready and willing to lay his life down for me.

If someone truly loves you, they don't cheat. 

These days, it's important to know a person's definition of love. Not everyone knows what love is.

You'd hear people spread lies like "A man can love you and still cheat on you. It's you he loves, the other woman is just sex."

Please miss me with that lie from the pit of hell. Let me not even get to how spiritual I think sex is and how people make excuses for being irresponsible and not want to accept responsibility for their actions. How would I let something that entered somewhere else and became one with another person, still enter me and defile me? *I feel like throwing up just thinking about it*

There is a thin line between love and hate, attraction and disgust, I always cross it when I get cheated on.

Once, I notice cheating tendencies, I am out. Besides, not like I would enter any relationship right now without God.

Anyways, there you have it. My three deal breakers. they are all equal and important. This life is too short to manage unhappiness. You can forgive someone, love someone, but stay away from them, and not give them access to your life. 

I am not perfect but I give peace and respect, and I need peace and respect, as all humans do.

I wrote this in one sitting. Lol. 

Happy birthday in advance to me!