Monday, April 27, 2020


It’s been a long time I wrote anything here.

  I don’t know how this works in other parts of the world but I can only speak for Nigeria. The little I have seen or heard so far.
  It’s a modern world. Women work, earn a lot of money, can do whatever they want, etc. 

  For a society where almost 70% of the population is below the age of 35, you would think everything was fair game. It’s still somewhat a very patriarchal society no matter how much most try to cover it up. Men here like the chase. Seen my ‘if men are hunters’ post?

  Let’s look at different scenarios. You know I love those. Wait, to understand how some not all men here think of women, seen my ‘This rude Nigerian girl’ post?

  Ada had always had a thing for Sly. They weren’t friends but friends of friends. They never said more than ‘Hi” to each other when their friends met up. Years later, Ada runs into Sly. She ponders about it and decides to be honest and let him know she likes him. Sly is flattered at first. They start dating or so Ada thinks. She catches him later with another girl and he tells her “I never chased you.” Ada is mortified.

  Kelly had it all; looks, intelligence, a successful career and all that. She just found it hard to connect with most guys around her. Most found her too intimidating or they just wanted to mooch off her. She runs into Dave at an event. The connection was instant. A friend called her away and it took her a while to get back to her table but Dave was gone. She remembers his name, she does something she has never done before in all her life on earth. She searches for him on Instagram and slides into his DM. Dave is surprised. He replies a few messages and stops after that. She wonders what she did wrong. She overhears from someone that knows someone that knows him, how Dave was talking about some desperate girl with low self esteem that searched for him and slid into his DM.

  Lola made the move and they got married. She was happy for a minute. Then she realized her dear husband, Rex would make some weird comments and act funny sometimes. It looked like Rex felt he did her a favour by agreeing to date her and later getting married to her.

  For our females, shedding the trado-cultural upbringing and expectations we’ve been taught our whole lives plus the expected place of women and being vulnerable with another human being and showing or telling them how we feel first is no mean feat.  Most people hate being vulnerable with another, even some to partners they married.

  I’ve heard guys talk about it. One or two say they are cool with it and it would be nice. But would it really be in the long run of things?
Feminism is a word most Nigerian men hate even though most, women inclusive don’t fully comprehend what the word means.

One said,

“Leave all that feminism rubbish. This is Africa! It is not in our culture. Why will a woman be chasing after a man? She will just reduce her value before the man. Allow a man to be the man! Even the Bible said he who finds a wife…” 

  He went on to mention a famous celebrity couple that the young wife had put it up all over social media about how she had slid into the actor’s DM and shot her shot(made the first move). They got married but the marriage crashed.

  So, if a man asks a lady out, does it mean everything will be perfect and they will live happily ever after because he made the move?

  Some say, give him a hint or an idea that you like him. What if he never catches your numerous hints? What sort of hint really? They say be nice to him, call him, cook, help him out and all that. Is that not being manipulative? What if you go above and beyond and Uncle dude  thinking you were just being a good friend, brings a girl and presents to you as his new bae, can you fault him? Has he wronged you?
  Some people say be his friend, a guy always marries his friend. Biko(please), how long are you going to pretend to be his friend and wallow in his friendzone, hoping and praying he notices you are there and could be what he is looking for?  Are you not cheating yourself? Wasting your own precious time and effort?

  Are there sure fire rules in life? That it works for A does it mean it will work for B and C and D, etc?
What happens if you make the move and you are direct with what you want and he rejects you? Does it not show he was never for you? That it won’t have worked out any differently if he had been the one to make the move not you? If the hearts don’t agree, does it matter how it was brought together or who did?

If you are a dude, a girl makes the move what would you think of her? Ever heard of anywhere it worked out in Africa? Do you see it going the long haul?
If you are a lady, ever made the move? Can you? Do you think our women should? Seen anywhere it worked out?

Thank you for reading my multiple thoughts as you’ve read. What are yours? You could use an anonymous ID to drop your comment.

Stay safe!


  1. Nothing forbids a lady doing so IMHO. It is not a crime so I don't see any reason whatsoever to judge her. In contrast I'll applaud her courage. Now if I happen to reciprocally like her then why not giving it a try?
    Now having such instances not widely documented isn't a proof they aren't occurring at micro levels, neither do they doom the relationship to short term breath and failure. A ”failed” relationship just means either they two parties had polar and non complementary differences, or they just didn't work toward the success of the relationship.

  2. Hmmm....very interesting post. First, it's important to know that finding anything in life - work, money, friends, business partner life partner can be a chore simply because people are varied and deep in character. And other times it's actually easy. Let's pray God not to lead us into temptation. Also. We don't have enough data to know if when women make the first move it works or not simply because it rarely happens in this part of the world. That said, it may take a while to catch on even when it happens more frequently. It has to pass through the cultural shock stage even though some may slide into it easily. But let me say this - if you are true to your heart, I believe it will lead you. I believe you can find your true soulmate if you learn to ignore the virtual red flags and seriously respond to the real ones by taking to your heels. :) But seriously in everything we do in life, I believe we need God's leading otherwise we plunge ourselves into a casino world where only the lucky win.

  3. I once had a thing for a guy, threw hints, he caught it but refused to act on it. Preferred stringing me along, until one fine day, I lashed out at his manipulative ways. Told him I wasn't a wood or toy he’d play with.

    That was the end. Thing is, Nigerian men are in a box, their pride and ego always gets in the way.

  4. Nice musings. I think the tiny chords playing beneath the whole surface is largely based on societal programing and the fear of rejection. Like you said, how many hints would finally get noticed. I think shooting shots saves a whole lotta time, whoever pulls the trigger. But again, what if the shots (by ladies) are wrongly fired on willing Casanovas...won't you hear all the more, the phrase 'all men are the same'? So for me, its not the shot that really matters, its the Target - has it been positioned for the 'shooter' or she just stumbled upon him (the target) on a public shooting range?

    1. I quite agree. Most ladies love TDH and invariably love bad guys den end up hurt

  5. Personally , i dont see anything wrong with it . Becouse a dude asked a bae out its no quaranty the relationship will work out and vice versa , if they both put in equal effort and they are compartible ofcouse it might work ,gone are those days when a bae will see a dude she like and will be waiting for uncle to make move , if u see what you like ,pls go for it and save yourself the stress , if it works out , great , if not ,you keep on trying . Guys respect girls that know exactly what they want ....i dont think a girl going for what she wants makes her cheap,rather i see her as a goal getter and achiever, who wouldnt want that kinda wifey ....

  6. Nice one
    Yes, I have seen a few ladies doing it
    But, a large number of ladies die with their emotions towards a great dude they wished they had....
    Our culture doesn't allow it.
    Even, the sophisticated ladies don't it....they want to be wooed....
    Especially in Nigeria

    Nigerians still have a bit of our norms in them and they align their thoughts and way of life to it...
    Culture.... African, especially Nigerian no matter how traveled he is...he will follow tradition which stands as what we call "PROCESS" and, a Process is usually a part of a structure and a structure is part of the human existence.

  7. A very interesting read. I'm currently working on a similar topic in my upcoming movie project.
    Well done Frances ��


  8. My advice to the woman who wants to make the first move - there's nothing wrong with it but there's a method to it, do it like Naomi advised Ruth to.

  9. This post is deep o, alot has happene for both parties, but then, sometimes, just sometimes, its worth the risk, and sometimes, babe might have a miss and cry hot tears, but its only for a while...
    I had a thing for someone for years,we were super cool as frineds, but bestie (as we platonically were) did not look my way, I had to bro'zone to give myself peace.
    Sometimes I ask myself, what if we had our chamce and he was being shy? Then series of events played out where he was emotionally involved with other ladies, and had a thing with one, then it dawned on me, he wasn't into me in thay light, and Im super glad I didnt throw shots that would have come back landing on my head.
    I believe if a guy really really wants you, he'd say something, do something for the chase... And I know its hard, but ladies, its better to ask 'what would have been', than to cry over 'what was'
    My 2 cents... #Selah

  10. Well done Frances; was wondering when or what will get you writing again then suddenly COVID-19 lockdown happens (laughs).
    While I totally see nothing wrong with any of the sexes making the first move I'll go on to advice that while doing do, he/she being mature must maintain and uphold a good level of character/values. No matter who it is that made the first move,keeping to the right values at all times will help expose which party is mature, immature,ready or not ready to take the relationship to the next level. I for one have never really understood those signs from the female gender but one thing I always try to do is be the gentleman my dad will be proud of and apologize anytime I make a mistake. I may or may not have regrets but it'll be pretty hard to find one who'd say "he took advantage of me" or "he was a total jerk that made no positive impact in my life".
    Once again, #ThumbsUp

  11. A Course in Miracles: The Message:
    A Course in Miracles the message teaches us that there is a Voice for God in our minds that is always talking to us, telling us that we are: unlimited, one with all life, eternal, and literally invulnerable. That Voice is the Holy Spirit. There is another voice in our minds that we made up that lies to us and tells us we are: limited, separate, mortal, and vulnerable. That voice is the ego. A primary focus of a course in miracle’s message is to teach us how to tell these two voices apart. Once we do that we must choose to listen to the Holy Spirit and trust the Holy Spirit's counsel. We will always hear the voice of the ego while here in the dream but we should not accept its guidance or counsel about anything. In a course in miracle the message is not about the death of the ego, but how to properly relate to it.
    Frances Xu


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