THE STORIES OF MY HEART (2) by Jess J Micheals

 

read first part here: https://www.francesokeke.com/2020/06/the-stories-of-my-heart-1-by-jess-j.html

  Cole used his right free hand to force my legs open, he used his thighs to keep them separate. He pulled his boxers down to

his ankles and wriggled out of it using his feet. I was not whimpering like a child, nobody would hear me if I shout he said because he had the stereo real loud; nobody will believe me he told me as he rammed his dick into my dry vagina. The pain burst through my anguish, straight to my brain cells numbing every vein, muscle and everything in between that occupied the place where my brain stood. I screamed so loud it felt like an out of body experience. I felt something burst out of my vagina, couldn’t tell what it was as he kept ramming me. At some point I stopped screaming and lay perfectly still, allowing him do as he pleased. When he finally shuddered as he came inside me! Inside my temple! I just wanted to die to release my soul from that body. He began to apologize. He was sorry he thought that I wasn’t a virgin, that I thought he wasn’t good enough; he wanted forgiveness! How ridiculous was that.

  A part of me died that day. He begged me not to tell Vivian and Bryan. He did it because he loved me and was hurt that I never noticed him but we were friends. We were supposed to be friends! How could he do this to me then expect me to be quiet? Expect me to understand? To forgive the atrocious thing he just did to me? I didn’t have any kind of forgiveness in me. I just wanted to die; but death refused to come in that instant. I got up in a daze went into the bathroom and scrubbed my body so hard as I cried my pain away. As my tears flowed, my brain and my body went numb; I could no longer feel the pain my body, my vagina and my heart was in. I stood still for what seemed like a life time, letting the water wash me but I felt even dirtier. I couldn’t stop crying. I crawled out of the shower found a top and jeans I had left behind on a previous visit. Fully dressed like a robot I pick up my bag stuff my torn dress and underwear in my bag. Without a second look back I walk out the room out the door, the house seemed empty but I didn’t care. I was never coming back there.

 

  I walked all the way home in a daze, the road and fresh air kept me company. So many questions; scenerios, self conversations; as I walked and walked. My mum asked why I came home early; I mumbled something and went to my room. I got into the bath and scrubbed some more maybe my soul would be cleaner. I was no saint or church girl but I felt defiled. There was one thing to be forced to loose your virginity against your will then there was consent to take. The excuses he gave were what hurt the most because it meant I was to blame. I had in some way brought this on myself, I had let my free spirit make me look cheap and loose, enough for Cole to think  like he did. I caused this. I am to blame. I stayed away from school for weeks. I would leave home each day but not get to school. I wasn’t taking either Vivian or Bryan’s calls. I had nothing to say.

  I returned to school just before exams started. I avoided the world it would seem. I had changed, no longer hung out with my crew. I faced my studies squarely. Bryan would come see me and I would be cold and distant. He couldn’t understand what had happened. He probed but I couldn’t tell him. I could see the pain and hurt he felt but he let things go. He kept trying to bring me out of my shell, the cocoon I had wrapped myself in. I hadn’t cried again since the day it happened. I was more focused, even my lecturers noticed; my grades noticed but I was a shell.

  Fast forward to two years after, I had just started my fourth year. I hadn’t spoken to Bryan in so long, we were no longer friends. Actually, I was no longer friends with any one of the opposite sex, I avoided them. People in their ignorance started to gossip that I was gay. I now couldn’t hide it any more. I heard the whispers but chose to ignore them, they were of no consequence. Vivian and I remained friends but I never told her what Cole her brother did to me besides who would she have believed? Her friend or brother, that answer was a no brainer.  Bryan now had a steady girlfriend, seemed to have moved on with life; life without me but who could blame him, I pushed him away. Bryan my Bryan…sigh. 

  One day as I walked to class for night studies I noticed someone following me, I began to walk faster; then I heard my name. I slowed down because the voice was very familiar. He caught up with me, he needed to talk to me he said; nothing to talk about I replied. He disagreed I had to tell him what he had done to offend me, to hurt me so much I cut him off without so much as a word. I must talk to him because he has a right to right whatever wrong he may have done unknowingly because no way in hell he would hurt me; I was after all his bestfriend. That stopped me and it hurt. The truth hurt but it also woke me up. All these years of feeling unworthy of him, thinking the rape took something other than my virginity from me. Believing that I was tainted goods Bryan would never want to have; when all the while he never saw me as anything but his bestie and sidekick. I had nothing to loose any more, it was lost already. So I told how I spent years loving him, hoping he would one day come around to having feelings for me. How I lost my virginity in the cruelest way to someone I considered a friend; that I had spent the better part of 3yrs being angry with myself for somehow being the root cause. That I had thought myself unworthy, tainted and useless because I had imagined a fairytale, a tale where he and I were more than friends. A life with me giving him that only thing I had which was mine… me; but that I had been a fool and I was no longer going to hurt myself. I wanted him to know he never offended me but rather I had wronged him by harbouring such thoughts when all he wanted was a friend.

  Bryan stood up from the bench we had been sitting on; didn’t utter a word to me but simply walked away in the opposite direction. A few days later there was gossip about how Cole was beaten to an inch of his life and left for dead by whoever was responsible. I knew who was responsible but I was not sure. I did not see Bryan for weeks after that. This time he was avoiding me. I was heartbroken yet I did miss what we had, my innocence and my life. That one day changed my life and its course. 

  Oh I did try the other side at some point; her name was Tolani. That is story for another day.          

Thank you for reading. What are your thoughts?