HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE

   Change they say is the only constant thing in life. Everything in life goes through a procedure or stages you pick the word you prefer. It is never static. Things move forward, backwards, up, down or sideways, it just has to move. A rock that is in a static position also goes through changes. It doesn’t have to stand up and run. Lol!  Look at the Evolution theory, you and I have come a long way from our Ape days. Let’s visit the Bible; Adam and Eve were naked, then they put on leaves, then the leaves made way for clothes in the time of their children. Then for a while women didn’t wear trousers but now they do and not just that we are reverting back to the Adam and Eve days. What more proof do you need to agree with me that change is constant?
   The right way to have phrased this thought is; ‘Change is the only constant thing in life when it has to do with things, time, fashion and non-humans.’ Change in humans is not constant.
  Don’t get me wrong it does happen but only when the individual decides to change.  I am sure you have met mule headed people; they would rather die than change from their ways. Learning new things is out of the question for them. They would rather continue to use a typewriter that they are used to than try out a computer or save their money in that iron box hidden somewhere than can carry it to a bank and deposit. Ok, it’s beginning to sound like I am talking about the fear of the unknown but I am not. I am talking about characters and traits in humans and other humans believing that they can make them change. Trying to help someone change is a good thing if you think that character and habit is not good for them. In trying to change someone, there is only so much you can do. That’s the purpose of giving out advice. You talk to the person about it. It doesn’t mean that they will listen to you because most times they will not. Ok, maybe they are willing to but old habits are hard to break. You can’t do the changing for them. If you like , have a million talks with them, almost commit suicide, fall off a skyscraper, walk over hot coals, use a razor and mutilate yourself, you cannot make them change. Personal change starts from within. It is willingness, a decision.
 
 It baffles me when I hear folks in relationships, say ‘He will change for me’ ‘I can change her.’ Biko, what is wrong with you? Wake up from your reverie. That change you think they will perform will be temporary. If you make people stop doing things they love because you want them to fit into a picture you have in your head, THEY WILL RESENT YOU. The resentment is like a seed that is sown in the dark and grows into a huge tree, overnight. Trying to change someone to fit your picture, your dream is very selfish. Most times we expect people to change for us but we do nothing in return. If the person doesn’t fit your picture then don’t bother. You saw the faults there, if you know you can’t cope with it then move. Most times, these things we try changing in our spouses and friends are things we have no interest in. You know she loves dancing and you never go out of your way to say ‘Let’s go dancing ‘or ‘let’s go for dance classes’. Why not make an effort for them too but no, all your years as a couple, she never goes dancing again. You know he enjoys going out with his friends and loves soccer but you hate it, so you end it. She loves to smoke a cigarette and you tell her ‘if you know you want us to stay together, then the smoking has to stop.’ Why stress yourself, why not go outside and look for a non-smoker, than making this person stop because to you smoking is bad.
Now, to the dark side of it. The worst kind of trying to change a person is when you make excuses for them. Their behaviour affects your mental, physical and emotional well being but yet you still stay put to your own detriment. I love stories a lot, so I will tell you one. *clears throat and clears cobwebs in head*
  
  Juliet met Felix in her second year in the university. He was ten years her senior. It was perfect to her. He was older and cherished her. He would call her in the morning before she got out of bed, during the day to know how she was and at night before she closed her eyes. He took her everywhere. She met all his friends and family. He bought her expensive gifts. She was loved and she was hopelessly in love. He wasn’t her first boyfriend but he was different from the others. Few months into their relationship, the story changed. The calls were gone. He now called once twice a week and sounded like he couldn’t wait to get off the phone. He didn’t come around as much. She asked herself if it was because she had said ‘I love you first’. She called and asked him what happened. It was one mundane excuse to the other. She cried and cried till she felt her heart would pop out her chest. Her friend, Sally kept telling her, Felix treated her like a kid, a devout puppy. They’d stay up all night talking about Felix. Felix did change but after a few weeks, He went back to not calling. Juliet almost went mad with despair. She kept telling Sally how she believed Felix would change for her. Sally kept trying to tell her to forget him. Juliet decided Sally was right.  Felix called few days later that he needed to see her. She told Sally she was going to end things. Sally waited because she knew Juliet would need comforting. She was shocked when an excited Juliet flew into the room. Juliet told her about how Felix had promised her that he was going to change for her. Then, she raised her hand to show off an engagement ring. Felix had proposed. Sally didn’t know what to say. Few months into their engagement, Felix started taking her for granted again. Sally kept asking her if she was sure she wanted to get married to Felix and she said yes. Felix came back bearing gifts that he was sorry he hadn’t been available. They got married; the wedding was filled with la crème de la crème de la societe. 
My story ends there but my question for you is this; do you think Felix will ever change?
  
  We make excuses for people. Yes, no one is perfect but not when it affects you. I have my flaws and all, so does everyone else. We make friends and marry people we feel are compatible. We can overlook their flaws because their good outweighs the bad to us. Yes, we want people to take chances on us, believe that we can be better but only you and I can change us. I have even heard someone say ‘My love will change her.’ Please, you can only pray and advice the person but it doesn’t mean they will change. Some people stay in unhealthy friendships, partnerships believing their partners would change. If you can’t accept something early on, you tell them once, you tell them twice and they do not change, move. I am not saying you meet someone for the first time and they do something you don’t like and they do it the next time you should mark them as bad. You have to tell them, ‘see you have to change this. It doesn’t work for me.’ or ‘it upset me, what you did.’ Because the sad and bitter part is, you can’t make people change. You can only advice and pray for them because they are the only ones that can make that change.  Remember the saying ‘you can take a mule to the stream but you can’t force it to drink.’ Maybe they will take your advice, maybe they won’t.  So, you decide if you can deal with the package they come in. I leave you with the words of one of my favourite African American poets.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou